King'z Jewel

I am listening to the book “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan as prescribed to me by my good friend Susan Adwalpalker…and it hit me:

I am LUKEWARM!

I am sure many will say “How is that possible? She gave up everything to follow Jesus!”

But did I really give up everything?

The answer:
NO.

I didn’t give up all my ambitions. I didn’t give up control of my body.

I have allowed God to do all He wants to do in and through me, not always without a fight, and just short of ALL of me. He had 99% of me, but that one stubborn percent I held onto all these years. I have been rededicated and “souled out” for Christ for over ten years.

I have held on to a few things that God just could.not.touch. Why?

FEAR.

I could trust Him with my child, my family, the direction of our lives as far as where to move, live, and serve. I could prophecy, exhort, and preach. I could write songs and sing in the worship team. I could lead people to the throne room and let them fall at His feet….

BUT I couldn’t allow Him control over my ambitions. I still looked back with hurt, contempt, and longing at the things that I had desired to do with my life. I desired to be on screen, on camera, and a star. I desired to be dancing and singing my way across Broadway. That was not what God called me to be! Why couldn’t I just be happy with the fact that He called me to preach and teach and prophecy to the nations? Why couldn’t I be happy with all the things He has called me to do and become?

I would retell the stories of how I was on a mission to become this and that. I regale the times when I was so great in this play or singing that song, only to feel remorse and sorrow. Every time I would turn on the television to watch the old movie channel, I would cry like a baby watching these people live out my dreams. I would cry watching singing competitions. I would bawl my eyes out feeling the energy surge through my legs as I watched the various dance competitions…feeling like I missed out. I actually MOURNED my dreams as if they were buried in a casket never to be resurrected again!

I realized, too, that I had not let go of my … fertility … yes I said it. My body was my body, and after that whole situation of near-death with my son, I was only half willing to go through it again. Okay, so even less than half willing. I have been pregnant 5 (or 6) times, and only ONE ended in a viable child. You can’t tell me that a huge part of that problem had to do with my FEAR and not really allowing God to handle EVERYTHING in my life. I didn’t trust that He would truly know me, understand me, and respect my limitations.

I was becoming convicted over these points over the last few weeks as I believed I was pregnant. I had every symptom and then they abruptly stopped. I went through this whole melodrama with God about it all and came to the conclusion that I was the problem. I was out of order. A smidgen of disobedience is total disobedience to God, just as a small little sin is just as bad as a blatantly obvious sin.

The icing on the conviction cake was when I heard pastor’s preaching this Sunday about God’s will. During the sermon, while reading the scriptures he was pointing out, I found a new meaning to:

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (NIV)

PERFECT LOVE. How imperfect my love for God! I have lived with this repressed fear for the entire length of time between having my son and now (8 1/2 years). I have been living with this fear of dying in childbirth. I have lived with this fear of letting God plan my future FULLY and completely…as if He doesn’t know what He is doing. He created me! Who better to do these things in my life than He?

The cherry on top was listening to the lukewarm part of the Chan book.

I am lukewarm.

How am I going to change it?

BY GIVING MYSELF AWAY for real this time. I did once, until fear gripped me after my son was born. I was all for God before the pregnancy and the multiple miscarriage. I was all for anything He wanted. Now I have to recapture that again, going back to the “joy of my salvation”.

Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. (NLT)