King'z Jewel

What happened to the fun in church? Where is the joy of Your salvation?

I remember being in churches where you can’t even clear your throat without being looked at with a raised eyebrow. I have also been to churches where the message is milk, but the people feel free to dance before the altar in unadulterated worship.

What do I miss from both extremes? The reverence for the living God and the joy of being in His presence.

Where is the balance? Where is the middle ground?

David danced out of his outer garments in worship to the Lord (2 Samuel 6:14), but yet he reverenced him like no other. Why are our churches not reflections of that?

We need to get rid of the status quo. We need to get rid of church as usual. We need to go back to the root and heart of why we ever wanted to be in church to begin with. We need to teach our children about the joy of salvation. How will they know if all they see are stern faces, disapproving looks, and are given no opportunity to enjoy being in the house of God? How are we going to secure the next generation if we don’t allow them to express their worship, making a JOYFUL noise unto the Lord?

We sing about dancing as David did, singing and worshiping and praying like he did. We sing about being free to run and dance. We sing about where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. We sing about dancing in His freedom and liberty (2 Corinthians 3:17)…but do we really EVER do that? Sure, there are probably break out moments here and there…but why isn’t it a regular occurrence?

Don’t even get me started on the songs about surrender and sacrifice! The verses of the Bible where we talk about taking up our cross no matter the cost… you can already see where I am going with that.

I don’t want to just be on the pulpit singing words. I don’t want to be up there with stern faces and disapproving looks falling down on the congregation as they try to wrestle from under the tradition and religion that has been forced upon them from years of being abused in various forms of churches and religious sects who don’t believe in truly going all out for God in church.

I believe that God hears us singing these songs and professing these verses from the Bible out of our mouths and expects to see something happen, only to be disappointed. We are in essence HYPOCRITES every time we pronounce these things and then don’t follow through with them. I can just see God’s eyes light up when he hears the songs coming through or the words being read…He gets expectant…on the edge of His seat even… only to slump back in His chair, wiping his brow and thinking “they missed it AGAIN!”.

I am saying that we need to reevaluate our churches. Reevaluate the calling that God has placed on our lives. We need to stop pleasing people and start pleasing God. It’s time to break out, break free, and move forward with truth the way God intended!

Psalm 51:10-13 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

(emphasis is mine)

I am listening to the book “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan as prescribed to me by my good friend Susan Adwalpalker…and it hit me:

I am LUKEWARM!

I am sure many will say “How is that possible? She gave up everything to follow Jesus!”

But did I really give up everything?

The answer:
NO.

I didn’t give up all my ambitions. I didn’t give up control of my body.

I have allowed God to do all He wants to do in and through me, not always without a fight, and just short of ALL of me. He had 99% of me, but that one stubborn percent I held onto all these years. I have been rededicated and “souled out” for Christ for over ten years.

I have held on to a few things that God just could.not.touch. Why?

FEAR.

I could trust Him with my child, my family, the direction of our lives as far as where to move, live, and serve. I could prophecy, exhort, and preach. I could write songs and sing in the worship team. I could lead people to the throne room and let them fall at His feet….

BUT I couldn’t allow Him control over my ambitions. I still looked back with hurt, contempt, and longing at the things that I had desired to do with my life. I desired to be on screen, on camera, and a star. I desired to be dancing and singing my way across Broadway. That was not what God called me to be! Why couldn’t I just be happy with the fact that He called me to preach and teach and prophecy to the nations? Why couldn’t I be happy with all the things He has called me to do and become?

I would retell the stories of how I was on a mission to become this and that. I regale the times when I was so great in this play or singing that song, only to feel remorse and sorrow. Every time I would turn on the television to watch the old movie channel, I would cry like a baby watching these people live out my dreams. I would cry watching singing competitions. I would bawl my eyes out feeling the energy surge through my legs as I watched the various dance competitions…feeling like I missed out. I actually MOURNED my dreams as if they were buried in a casket never to be resurrected again!

I realized, too, that I had not let go of my … fertility … yes I said it. My body was my body, and after that whole situation of near-death with my son, I was only half willing to go through it again. Okay, so even less than half willing. I have been pregnant 5 (or 6) times, and only ONE ended in a viable child. You can’t tell me that a huge part of that problem had to do with my FEAR and not really allowing God to handle EVERYTHING in my life. I didn’t trust that He would truly know me, understand me, and respect my limitations.

I was becoming convicted over these points over the last few weeks as I believed I was pregnant. I had every symptom and then they abruptly stopped. I went through this whole melodrama with God about it all and came to the conclusion that I was the problem. I was out of order. A smidgen of disobedience is total disobedience to God, just as a small little sin is just as bad as a blatantly obvious sin.

The icing on the conviction cake was when I heard pastor’s preaching this Sunday about God’s will. During the sermon, while reading the scriptures he was pointing out, I found a new meaning to:

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (NIV)

PERFECT LOVE. How imperfect my love for God! I have lived with this repressed fear for the entire length of time between having my son and now (8 1/2 years). I have been living with this fear of dying in childbirth. I have lived with this fear of letting God plan my future FULLY and completely…as if He doesn’t know what He is doing. He created me! Who better to do these things in my life than He?

The cherry on top was listening to the lukewarm part of the Chan book.

I am lukewarm.

How am I going to change it?

BY GIVING MYSELF AWAY for real this time. I did once, until fear gripped me after my son was born. I was all for God before the pregnancy and the multiple miscarriage. I was all for anything He wanted. Now I have to recapture that again, going back to the “joy of my salvation”.

Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. (NLT)

I am currently running slowly through the book Power Thoughts: 12 Strategies to Win the Battle of the Mind. It was the gift from the women’s banquet for our church. It is ripping me a new mind, for sure. I have to face myself, take a good hard look in the mirror, and begin to change. Once you know something, you are obligated to do something about it…at least that’s what the Bible says *as far as biblical things go*. I am keeping a journal along with the book to record answers to questions and any thoughts that might pop up. I read Battlefield of the Mind when I first gave my heart back to God sometime in 2001, which helped immensely. This is like a follow up and a refresher!

FINALLY I FOUND IT!!!

I have struggled so long and had such difficulty with the whole concept of being a “helpmeet”. I always felt that God was calling me to be so much more than just serving every need of one man for the rest of my life. I knew there was more to this life than just cooking, cleaning, plumping pillows, fetching slippers….well you know what I mean. It’s not that my husband is like that per se, but that is what the word “helpmeet” brings to mind, especially when coupled with the dreaded “submit to your husband” verse! AUGH! How this has vexed me for years! I always felt in the deep parts of my heart and soul that there was so very much more to life than bowing and scraping and being subservient.

I FINALLY found the truth of the words that they have translated as “helpmeet”.

Going back to the Hebrew, the words translated as “helpmeet” are these: ezer k’enegdo. The roots of these words express the true power, strength, and equality that God created us to have. God has always said that we are equals, that we are side by side, but then you have these other words that confuse the truth.

Roots of Ezer K’enegdo
Real Meaning

I tell you, when I find out that my spiritual inklings are correct, it makes my heart hurt and palpitate in my chest.

Why?

Because so many people have believed the lies and the misinterpretations given over the years. There are other things that I know that I know that I know spiritually that I continue to discover are correct with biblical basis for my findings…IN CONTEXT.

So I was sitting here this afternoon contemplating words that I use on a regular basis. It all started with the need to blog on my other blog. The title was going to be “Truly zen”. Something went “ping” in my spirit, so I inquired of the Lord why…and He said “look it up”. God is funny sometimes. Anywho…I decided to listen and search the real meaning of zen.

Once upon a time I studied Buddhism, lightly, while in high school. The best definition I got from that background was “spiritual enlightenment”. In truth, there is no real spirituality at all. The word is actually about gaining enlightenment through meditation and contemplation on one’s self with NO faith or devotion involved. I always believed that the word “spiritual” automatically implied that there was some sort of faith involved. Apparently, I was wrong.

Being a follower of Christ and believing the Bible, I must always be mindful of the words that I speak. Using words like “zen”, “fate”, and even “luck” imply something different than what I represent.

(James 1:26)  If you think you are being religious, but can’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and everything you do is useless. (CEV)

(James 3:6)  The tongue is like a spark. It is an evil power that dirties the rest of the body and sets a person’s entire life on fire with flames that come from hell itself.  (CEV)

(Pro 18:21)  Words can bring death or life! Talk too much, and you will eat everything you say. (CEV)

I hav a confession to make. I have been mad with God. He sent me a message in answer to something that I had been praying fervently and it was definitely not the answer I expected. Do I expect God to just fill my wishes like some short order cook? No, but I did believe that God had heard my cry and inclined His ear to me. I really thought that He had sided with me in this very important matter, but He did not. It was a serious shock to me. I think it was even worse than the time we got demonically oppressed due to us being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I said some things that I shouldn’t ever say to God… but I believe that since He created me, He knew what I would say before I said it. He knew I would feel remorse for it and repent. He knew that it would be hard for me to stifle my thoughts and feelings. He knew I needed time to get over His decision and let God be God. He knew that before He formed me in my mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5)! Nothing I say or do is a surprise to God.

I know He is still with me, helping me along…even after the horrible things I said and thought. I tried really hard to make the thoughts disperse, but this thing is so important to me that I could not just let it go. I have to continue to remind myself that everything has a reason and a time (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I have to remember that God does things for the GOOD of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). I have to remember that He wants to prosper me and give me a good life (Jeremiah 29:11). I have to remind myself of these things, even with the impending trial I am facing…even in the situation we are in now.

I know that God has forgiven me as he did Peter when he denied Jesus 3 times after the crucifixion (John 18:25-27), for just as Jesus knew Peter would deny him (Mark 13:29-31), He also knew that I would get angry. I know that now I just have to forgive myself and accept God’s call on my whole life, not just the parts that I am willing to hand over. This is all about giving Him the control to do WHATEVER He wants in my life, not just what I want Him to do. It’s not easy. In order for us to carry our cross, we must drop everything and follow Him, even unto the end of the age.

I don’t think that people really talk too much about the degrees of deliverance. You don’t always get fully delivered and healed as a Christian. Some people are never able to lay it all down and follow God, so their deliverance is directly proportional to their willingness to serve God. There are others who will believe with all their heart, body, soul, and mind but will never be fully healed of their ills. There are still others who are delivered completely and instantly at the moment they believe. God only knows the reason we are not all totally healed and delivered of whatever it is that is wrong with us at the moment we are converted, but we can always find solace in God. God is the only way that we will find peace and learn to use these things for the good of the Kingdom, and ourselves. We never know when our testimony will touch another. Even Paul had a “thorn in his side” which God would not take from him because “His grace is sufficient”. Either way, we have to believe that God knows what He is doing and is always looking out for our good. [2 Corinthians: 12]

I asked God to make me enough.

He said “My grace is sufficient for you”.

I asked Him again, to make me enough.

He said “I have already made you perfect, what more can you want?”.

There is a burden on my heart for those who feel the call to change. I want you to read the story of Janet Boynes, who once was a lesbian but through God’s grace has found freedom in Him.

Perfect – a word that has haunted my very existence for as long as I can remember. Be perfect at singing. Be perfect in school. Be the perfect model citizen. Be the perfect wife. Be the perfect mother. Be PERFECT as your Father in Heaven is PERFECT (Matthew 5:48).

ACK! Shoot me now, because it will never happen!

At least, that’s what I thought. Man’s definition of perfect as opposed to what is meant by God are two totally different things. God is not asking for us to be impeccable in all we do. He is asking that we be whole, not lacking in anything spiritually or emotionally.

No one can really be perfect. We are all born with issues, we develop issues, we die with issues. The perfection we can attain is in being whole and worshiping God with our whole selves. This is the perfection to which I aspire, now that I know He didn’t mean without flaw.

See this explanation.